Casuistry.

casuistry
KAZH-oo-uh-stree \ , noun;
1. Specious, deceptive, or oversubtle reasoning, esp. in questions of morality.
2. The application of general ethical principles to particular cases of conscience or conduct.
 
 
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

I am becoming slowly more and more obsessed with my weight. I no longer simply eat and think about the complications later. I now calculate in my head the calories involved and how many hours of running/ exercise bike/ skipping/ crunches it will take to burn it off. If it's enough to vomit back up. If it will hurt my throat as it comes up. I vomited twice today. I really feel like it is my only option. To get thin. Once I'm thin I'll stop, I can control this. I need Ana now, but I'll know when it's time to say goodbye. The scales will tell me when it's time to let go.
Anyway, today:
07:00am - woke up, ate a Pink Lady apple.
11:00am - 30 cal yoghurt
1:00pm - Green apple
4:00pm - macaroni/cheese/vegies (10000000000000 cal) AND seasame snacks ( 138 cal) = vomit.
5:30pm - dinner with mum (vegie patty hamburgers with lettuce, avacado, light cheese slice, on a garlic herb focaccia) = vomit.
8:00pm - 50 minutes on exercise bike (burned 500 cal), jump rope for 5 minutes.
8:30pm - 100 crunches.

I feel fucking massive. I stare at myself in the mirror and all I see is FAT. Fucking fat. Fat thighs, HUGE stomach, hips, calves, ass, face, back, ribs, arms, chins, neck, underarms, hands, wrists, ankles, love handles, gross gross gross!
The depression has been pretty bad lately. It comes and goes in intensity, but it's always there, lurking in wait. And it pounces, digs it's claws in. I wonder how antidepressants feel.
I wonder if they actually help you, or if they are just a 'control' drug. Like maybe I think too much for myself and doctors don't want people to think TOO much for themselves, so they put them on drugs which make them less thinky and more obedient? Maybe? Conspiracy, I know.
I know.
I don't know.
I don;t actually know anything.,
They tell us to put our faith in science, medicine, God, Allah, reality, wtf.
And what if it's all bullshit?
I'm not religious at all.
For fuck's sake, I don;t even believe in MYSELF!
I don;t think I can do this. The only reason I think I'll get where I need to be is because I have Ana to help me. She is always ALWAYS there, as soon as I wake up, when I go to sleep, always. In my dreams. In my reality. Everywhere, always.
I cut deeper than I ever have before today. To punish myself for being too fat, too ugly, too unloveable. I didn't turn out how I was meant to.
Ha.

Sorry for going off on a few tangents today, I need to get it out. I have no one else to talk to. Except myself... on this stupid blog. Ha.

Anyway, I have lost 4 kilos over the last 3 days :D :D :D
More exercise for meeeee! I've been attempting to restrict and just drink HEAPS of water. I was TRYING to fast, but, ha, I fuck everything up. I didn;t even last the first day. I'm such a dumb fuck.
So now I decided, give my metabloism a kick start with an apple every morning, a 30 cal yoghurt for lunch, maybe another apple if I feel dizzy in the arvo, and eat dinner with mum thenm get rid of it down the toilet afterwards. I can;t avoid meals with mum. Dammit.

I'll be fat after this weekend, I'm going to a party and drinking lots of vodka, I know it's super high in calories, but it will be fun to dress up and go out and be a normal teenager for once, and just forget. I doubt that I will ever completely forget. I'll probabaly try to drunkenly count how many shots I've done and how many calories they add up to... haha.
I'm working all day Sunday, so I'll hopefully burn a bit off by walking around. I might take some running shoes and go for a jog during lunch break. If I'm up to it, with my hangover. Haha.
I'll just drink heaps of water and NO FOOD, I'll take vitamin B tabs.
Lots of panadol. Haha.
My life is so UNHEALTHY.
But I'd rather be thin than healthy, any day.
My BI is in the 'healthy' range, but fuck THAT. I do not FEEL healthy. I feel FAT, obese! Morbidly obese. This fat will kill me (or I will kill me if I don;t get rid of it). The fat HAS to go. I'd rather die skinny than live fat. FUCK this suicidal shit, this isn;t normal is it?
Millions of people around the world are starving, yet here I am trying to avoid eating as much as possible. Hiding food, giving it to the dog, flushing it down the toilet.
Fuck I must be a horrible person.

Fat, fat, go away come back again another day. Wait what the hell am I talking about, get the hell out of here and never fucking come back.

Stop? Why should I? Too thin?! You lie! Too fat is what I am, and forever I shall be till I am dead.




“One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up”
 
I'm working on this. Practise makes perfect, right?
 
I am a work in progress.