Casuistry.

casuistry
KAZH-oo-uh-stree \ , noun;
1. Specious, deceptive, or oversubtle reasoning, esp. in questions of morality.
2. The application of general ethical principles to particular cases of conscience or conduct.
 
 
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

I am becoming slowly more and more obsessed with my weight. I no longer simply eat and think about the complications later. I now calculate in my head the calories involved and how many hours of running/ exercise bike/ skipping/ crunches it will take to burn it off. If it's enough to vomit back up. If it will hurt my throat as it comes up. I vomited twice today. I really feel like it is my only option. To get thin. Once I'm thin I'll stop, I can control this. I need Ana now, but I'll know when it's time to say goodbye. The scales will tell me when it's time to let go.
Anyway, today:
07:00am - woke up, ate a Pink Lady apple.
11:00am - 30 cal yoghurt
1:00pm - Green apple
4:00pm - macaroni/cheese/vegies (10000000000000 cal) AND seasame snacks ( 138 cal) = vomit.
5:30pm - dinner with mum (vegie patty hamburgers with lettuce, avacado, light cheese slice, on a garlic herb focaccia) = vomit.
8:00pm - 50 minutes on exercise bike (burned 500 cal), jump rope for 5 minutes.
8:30pm - 100 crunches.

I feel fucking massive. I stare at myself in the mirror and all I see is FAT. Fucking fat. Fat thighs, HUGE stomach, hips, calves, ass, face, back, ribs, arms, chins, neck, underarms, hands, wrists, ankles, love handles, gross gross gross!
The depression has been pretty bad lately. It comes and goes in intensity, but it's always there, lurking in wait. And it pounces, digs it's claws in. I wonder how antidepressants feel.
I wonder if they actually help you, or if they are just a 'control' drug. Like maybe I think too much for myself and doctors don't want people to think TOO much for themselves, so they put them on drugs which make them less thinky and more obedient? Maybe? Conspiracy, I know.
I know.
I don't know.
I don;t actually know anything.,
They tell us to put our faith in science, medicine, God, Allah, reality, wtf.
And what if it's all bullshit?
I'm not religious at all.
For fuck's sake, I don;t even believe in MYSELF!
I don;t think I can do this. The only reason I think I'll get where I need to be is because I have Ana to help me. She is always ALWAYS there, as soon as I wake up, when I go to sleep, always. In my dreams. In my reality. Everywhere, always.
I cut deeper than I ever have before today. To punish myself for being too fat, too ugly, too unloveable. I didn't turn out how I was meant to.
Ha.

Sorry for going off on a few tangents today, I need to get it out. I have no one else to talk to. Except myself... on this stupid blog. Ha.

Anyway, I have lost 4 kilos over the last 3 days :D :D :D
More exercise for meeeee! I've been attempting to restrict and just drink HEAPS of water. I was TRYING to fast, but, ha, I fuck everything up. I didn;t even last the first day. I'm such a dumb fuck.
So now I decided, give my metabloism a kick start with an apple every morning, a 30 cal yoghurt for lunch, maybe another apple if I feel dizzy in the arvo, and eat dinner with mum thenm get rid of it down the toilet afterwards. I can;t avoid meals with mum. Dammit.

I'll be fat after this weekend, I'm going to a party and drinking lots of vodka, I know it's super high in calories, but it will be fun to dress up and go out and be a normal teenager for once, and just forget. I doubt that I will ever completely forget. I'll probabaly try to drunkenly count how many shots I've done and how many calories they add up to... haha.
I'm working all day Sunday, so I'll hopefully burn a bit off by walking around. I might take some running shoes and go for a jog during lunch break. If I'm up to it, with my hangover. Haha.
I'll just drink heaps of water and NO FOOD, I'll take vitamin B tabs.
Lots of panadol. Haha.
My life is so UNHEALTHY.
But I'd rather be thin than healthy, any day.
My BI is in the 'healthy' range, but fuck THAT. I do not FEEL healthy. I feel FAT, obese! Morbidly obese. This fat will kill me (or I will kill me if I don;t get rid of it). The fat HAS to go. I'd rather die skinny than live fat. FUCK this suicidal shit, this isn;t normal is it?
Millions of people around the world are starving, yet here I am trying to avoid eating as much as possible. Hiding food, giving it to the dog, flushing it down the toilet.
Fuck I must be a horrible person.

Fat, fat, go away come back again another day. Wait what the hell am I talking about, get the hell out of here and never fucking come back.

Stop? Why should I? Too thin?! You lie! Too fat is what I am, and forever I shall be till I am dead.




“One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up”
 
I'm working on this. Practise makes perfect, right?
 
I am a work in progress.

Success! Amongst other things.

Soooo Good news and bad news.
Bad news: ate 2 large Caramello Koalas today, a cheesy snack, a museli bar, lots of tic tacs. I have no self control. My friend took me to Subway for dinner so I had a salad roll 6 inch.
Good News: I felt guilty about eating such a big dinner, so I told my friend I was going to the bathroom. In the toilets, I leant over, stuck my fingers as far as they could go and slightly to the left, wiggled and poked around and VOMITED! Like massive amounts of vomit came out. I came out with bright red watery eyes, gargled some water, and met my friend again.. she said she had heard me but I told her I just felt sick :)
I felt soooooo good after the purge, and I feel so good now. Skinny is now so much more achievable.

Please

Thank you Ana.

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from.

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn


I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn

I'm the only one who's noticed

I can't be the only one who's learned
 
Where is the me I used to be? She was beautiful. You could see a faint outline of each of her ribs, hiding just under the skin. Her collarbone was amazing. Her stomach was flat, she was 45 kilograms. I let her slip away... but Ana will help me get that girl back. I will be beautiful again, because Ana will help me be beautiful, and I know she's here for me through this.

Sabotage

Dad took me for chinese tonight, as it's his birthday and he wanted to celebrate. He expects me to eat HUGE amounts, but i had about 3/4 of a vegetarian stir-fry, a bit of rice and a dim sim. Gross. I skipped on my jump rope for 5 minutes but got stomach ache. Fasting again tomorrow, only water, gum and tic-tacs. Maximum 6 tic tacs a day. No food except for dinner, then exercise after dinner. I just did 60 crunches, I'll do another 4 sets of 60 beofre I go to sleep, as well as jump rope for another 10 minutes.
I need to burn off at least another 500 calories tonight before I go to sleep. I may have to stay up after mum goes to bed. Water water water water. Must drink MORE WATER!!!
No more calories AT ALL tonight.
Plan for tomorrow:

1. Wake up at 6:00.
2. Apple for breakfast.
3. Exercise bike for 30 minutes.
4. Shower 10 minutes.
5. Get dressed.
6. Make up.
7. Make cereal just before mum leaves, feed it to the dog once she's gone.
8. Pack bag - water! chewy, tic tacs.
9. MAXIMUM 6 TIC TACS throughout the day!!!
10. Come home.
11. If it's not raining, run to MR and back. If it is raining, jump rope and exercise bike.
12. Eat dinner with mum (as little as possible, she's making chickpea curry)
13. Come upstairs and do crunches before bed.

Whenever possible, I'll try to update this blog to keep my thoughts clean and pure.

I don't need food I don't need it hungry means I'm succeeding Ana doesn;t mind if I'm hungry Ana just wants to make sure I'm beautiful. She'll take care of me.

I fucking SUCK!

Ate another tic tac, and 8 biscuits : omg, i fucking suck. The temptation is there. My body takes over my mind, my hands reach for the biscuits, i eat i eat i eat. I can't blame it on my body. It's MY fault, Ana wants me to be strong, tells me to be stronger. But I always fuck up. Now dad's coming over to take me out for a meal! This day keeps getting worse and worse.
When I felt hungry today, I re-organised my room to take my mind off my stomach :)
I'll write more tonight, I promise <3

Fuck.

"When you're hungry, you're winning!" I try to keep this in mind. My tummy is rumbling rumbling eumbling. Telling me she's happy. Empty is when she's happiest. She's happy now.
Tally for today:
1 apple
1 piece of chewing gum
3 tic tacs

I SUCK !
stick with it stick with it don't give in

I went to catch the bus, left 10 minutes early, but the bus didn't come. :(
Decided to stay home...

An imperfect body reflects an imperfect soul.

It will be easier and I won't be influenced by my friend to eat eat eat.

Off to school.

I went to the shop, bought a multivitamin/mineral supplement, sugarfree gum and tic-tacs. I know tic-tacs are 2cal each but I'll intersperse them between the gum to keep my mouth busy and mix it up a bit.
I went for a 30 minute walk to and from the shop (15 minutes each way) in the rain :) but I took an umbrella this time ;)
I still feel HUGE from dinner last night, it was awful, wish wish wish I could vomit but my gag reflex is just not responsive at all.
I look fucking massive! No binges, no treats or snacks, water, gum and tic tacs only. And then I'll have to eat dinner. I'm going to go to school.
School presents so many temptations.. and a much higher risk of getting caught. My friends offer me chocolate, and other foods daily. I must say anything chocolate or chocolate flavoured is probably my biggest weakness. Sigh sigh sigh. I need to get some chocolate and sabotage it (maybe with vinegar? or tomato sauce?) and force myself to put it in my mouth. Maybe then I'll be turned off it. Why does this have to be so hard?
Wish me luck <3

Day 1 of my fast.

Decided to take the day off school to stay strong. Exercise. I'm starting my liquid and fruit fast. I can have one apple a day, as much water as I can drink, and fruit juice diluted with water. I'm allowed to chew on sugarfree gum and mints to keep my mouth busy. I'm off to get some gum and go for a bike ride around town.
:)
Plan for today:
Ride to the shop and buy gum, mints, juice
Ride to MR and back home the long way
Jump rope for 15 minutes
Drink water drink water drink water
Come back on here and write about how I'm feeling! Stay strong stay strong stay strong <3

Hope I don't get caught skipping school....

Frustration! Failure.

I weighed myself and I've magically PUT ON 3.5 kilos OVERNIGHT! WTF! Probably from that fucking massive meal I ate last night, and my little binge. And because I fell asleep last night before I got on the exercise bike. I'm such a failure.
I'm going to have to fast for at least a week now, it will probably take that long to get this fat fat fat off my body. A liquid fast. I'm scared of getting caught by mum. If I say I'm feeling too sick to eat, she'll probably take me to the doctor. Not that he would know anything yet. I'm still within the 'healthy' BMI range (aka the fat range) and I haven't lost a lot of weight.
40 kilos 40 kilos 40 kilos
That is the beautiful number.
40 40 40 40 40
Short-term goal : 55 kilos. I WILL MAKE IT!

Help me help me help me

My stomach is rumbling tumbling hungry growling hurting wants food. But I don't want food and Ana certainly doesn't want food. Food is not allowed in us near us around us. Water and juice. Too many calories. Burn fat burn fat burn burn burn it off.

I feel so huge.

Ana doesn't want food.

My stomach tells me: eat food, eat eat eat, get fat fat fat, put food inside your body.
Ana says: NO food NO fat you can not not not eat, hungry is okay but food is not!

Ana knows best.
NOT EATING today. Water only, but it's raining outside and I need to buy chewing gum or mints from the shop... a 15 minute walk in the rain :( sigh.
I MUST resist temptation, I WILL be strong, bebvcause I have Ana to help me be beautiful, thin and pretty. Maybe when I am thin, maybe then I'll fit into nice clothes and won't have bulges of digusting dirty fat all over my body. Maybe people will like me. Boys might like me. Maybe the girls will be jealous... because I will be beautiful. Thin is beautiful. Fat is disgusting, wrong wrong wrong. The human body wasn't meant to be fat. When we were cavemen we didn't have packaged bullshit disgusting foods to make us fat. We were always exercising, eating fruit and vegies and some lean meat. Not fatty disgusting meat. I don't eat meat anyway.
I'm goiung to make lemon tea or something like that, to kickstart my metabloism. Wish me luck today, I'll need it.

Overcoming.

I decided to record some goals of mine :)

• Visible ribs and collarbone clearly defined
• NO fat on my stomach/hips
• Small waist
• No double chin at all
• Nothing wobbles when I lift my arm, or run, or move
• A clear gap between my thighs

I'll start with these and see how I go :)

Wish me luck ;)

I resisted the urge about 5 minutes ago! I was feeling depressed about my earlier binge, and usually I would have eaten more to feel better about it, but this time I cut instead! :D

And I feel so much better!

6 cuts today! Better than 600 extra calories...

I wish I had someone to help me, support me, understand. I have to hide this from everyone, all my friends, family, everyone. They don;t understand why I'm tired or lethargic from fasting, or why I'm irritated because I'm struggling against the urge to stuff my face with chocolate. They don't understand why I no longer eat lunches at school. I would love to have just one friend to take this journey with me. To understand.

Ah well. Some things you just have to go through alone, and I guess this is one of them. I will make it through this, I will be beautiful, but it will take some work. I'm prepared to work for this. I plan on staying awake late to go on the exercise bike tonight and burn off 800 calories of FAT FAT FAT. Even though my best friend is negging on me right now: "officially a bad chill sesh", sigh. Normally I'd be eating eating eating bad bad bad to feel better about it. Tonight I will be STRONG, I will move the furniture in my room around and clean and vacuum and then exercise and drink lots of water and I will be thin one day. Because thin is beautiful. Never forget that.

So tonight, if I get hungry at all, (which is okay, hunger isn't the enemy here - food is! Ana doesn't want food inside my body. She wants it out out out and can't get it out once it's in, so it can't come IN!), I will come on here and write about it. Drink more water. Listen to my ipod and try to sleep. Cut cut cut to distract myself. Anything is better than food inside me.

I'm want to start a liquid fast tomorrow - only drinking water at school, that's ALL nothing else will go inside my body, and chewing sugarfree gum or mints to keep my mouth busy. But I have a party this weekend where I'll be drinking alcohol ( a lot) and I don't want to be sick or weak for that. So I'll restrict my calories a lot until then, and after Saturday night I'll start fasting for 2 weeks. If I can. We'll see. Wish me luck :)

BAD BAD BAD BAD

Oh my god, i am FAT FAT FAT, i feel HUGE!
Mum made a MASSIVE bowl of pasta with mushroom and onion AND GRALIC BREAD :( :( :( :(and sat with me until I ate it all... I feel like my stomach is about to blow up! Then I went to my room and was feeling depressed about eating so much... instead of cutting like I SHOULD have, I binged! 5 biscuits! FIVE!!! I AM A FAT BLOATED FAT FUCKING DISGUSTING FAT UGLY BITCH.
I am a fucking whale.
Mum's suspicious. She asked me "What did you eat at school today?", "Why don't you want cheese on your pasta?".
I'm going to buy Diet Pills tomorrow and caffeine pills.
I need to get cucumber, celery, apples. Sugar free chewing gum. Vitamin water with zero calories.
I tried to go for a run this afternoon but it was pouring rain and mum caught me on my way out and said I couldn't go running in the rain...
She would get suspicious if I went on the exercise bike in front of her. I'll have to do it later, when she's asleep.
I can only IMAGINE how many calories I consumed today, I'm absolutely disgusted. Horrified. YUCK YUCK YUCK I feel DIRTY inside. I wish wish WISH I could make myself purge. I just have no gag reflex. :(

Thinspiration of the day.

A bad day.

For every 'bad', 'naughty', BAD BAD BAD thing I eat I get a cut. 3 cuts today - half a large Freddo Frog at recess and 2 mini 'Wagon Wheels' on the bus home.
BAD BAD BAD FAT SLUT FUCKING UGLY FAT DISGUSTING STUPID DUMB FUCK
I'm going to run for an hour then come home and ride the exercise bike for an hour to GET IT OUT OF ME, OFF ME, clean inside again.
I wish I could make myself vomit. It would be so much easier.
But on a good note, all I ate today was 12 cherries, one carrot, an apple and a 30cal yoghurt. That and whatever mum cooks for dinner... which I have to figure out a way of sneakily not eating. Hmm. She always makes me sit down and eat dinner with her and we only leave when the meal is finished. I think I'll have to learn to vomit... I'm not going to get thin eating MASSIVE dinners every night. Mum is a generous cook. Although sometimes I cook my own meals as I'm a vegetarian.
I AM BAD DISGUSTING FAT WOBBLY FAT HUGE BLUBBER UGLY STUPID STUPID STUPID DUMB UGLY GROSS FAT FAT FAT
I'll get it off. Then I'll be happy.
So...
This can be a place where I keep tally of my achievements in losing weight.
To start off (in kilograms):
Highest weight (HW): 65, BMI - 21.2
Lowest Weight (LW): 61, BMI - 19.9
Current Weight (CW): 61.5 - 20.1 (HUGE I know.)
Goal Weight (GW) 1: 55 - 18
GW2: 50 - 16.3
GW3: 45 - 14.7
Ultimate GW: 40 - 13.1
I am 175 cm high (5 foot 7, going on 5'8)
So I have 21.5 kilograms to go.
Wish me luck...
I'm going for a run. My stomach is rumbling but I'M NOT EATING.
I AM STRONG!
I don't NEED food inside me. I am CLEAN without it. Food makes me fat fat FAT FAT DISGUSTING UGLY FAT SLUT SKANK WOBBLY THIGHS LOVEHANDLES TUMMY ROLLS DOUBLE CHINS FAT!
Run run run run...

WANT

 

What will it take to be perfect?

I decided to make this blog. To stay strong, to look back on and see my progress and to keep inspired to STAY THIN. Thin is beautiful. Who would love someone like me, with love handles, belly rolls, a massive ass and flabby thighs that wobble when she walks? Double chins, 'tuckshop lady' arms, chubby cheeks?
No one.
Thin is what we aim for. And I WILL get there.
I am 63 kilograms today.
I am aiming for 45 kilos.
My goal is to have a flat, sexy stomach, thighs that don't wobble when I run, a thinner, prettier face, NO LOVE HANDLES, NO BELLY ROLLS! Ribs visible, collarbone defined, nice ass and thin arms.
Today I ran for an hour and went on the exercise bike for 5 mins beforehand as a warm up. The exercise bike burned 50 calories, I don't know how much the run took off but I was a kilo lighter when I got home.
When I run, I can feel the tingle as the fat in my legs, ass, face, arms, belly melts, trickles, tickles its way out of me. I can FEEL it disappearing. It is an amazing feeling.
I also cut 3 times today, on my left hip. I was feeling a bit out of control, because mum had just made me a massive dinner that I had to eat, and I needed to feel like I was back in control, and to make the shame and guilt ease a bit, I cut. I love the blood, it makes me feel better. Seeing those red droplets just make everything seem like it will turn out okay.
I'm working on this! I'm 100% vegitarian now, (a great excuse for eating celery, cucumber and lettuce) which will hopefully help my body shed the thick yellow layer of FAT that surrounds it. I NEED to be able to see my ribs again.
:) Staying strong.