killme

I'm high. I'm fat. I need to lose weight.
Literally fucking hate myself.

Waiting is easy.

You know what's hard?

Realizing that the one you are

Waiting for isn't coming back.

I don;t know why I'm still waiting.

When I die I'll go to heaven

Because

I've already been to hell.

I know you better than I know myself.

Who could possibly love you the way that I do?

I am so alone. I think back on what we had, who we were when we were together. And the tears gather in the corner of my eyes. As they spill over the edges, I allow myself to feel again. I take down that wall that STOPS me from feeling, from, hurting over you. And I remember. I feel how it is, was, to love. To love you. And I still do love you. I feel as if I always will. Then  I put up my walls again, brick by brick I build them up, and I am safe. But I am only going to live this life once. Should we not be happy? I know you aren't happy where you are, what you're doing, who you're with.  And I know for a fucking fact that I amnot happy. I get high. I try to think of anything but you. But you are in my dreams, my waking hours, when I close my eyes it's you, I see you everywhere around me, but you're never there. And the tears come...

How do I have enough tears left to cry? When I tell you the truth do you laugh or do you cry? I never know. I'm so unsure... drowning in uncertainty. My heart weighs a million tonnes and it makes me sick. It makes me so sick to know that we are both so alone in this world and what am I without you?

I don't hate you because you left. I hate you, because you pretended you wouldn't.

I am going to die alone.

You don;t know my name, you don't know my story, you can;t judge me, you don;t know me.

You are the boy that sets this girl on fire....

Set it off and let it burn!

And it's you.

It has always been you!

I'M TRYING SO HARD!

I ahve to try, to try, to pretend, fake, false, lies, lie to myself, to everyone.

To you.

Because if I don't, they will know, you will know, and I will have to face it...

I'm not ready for that

Maybe I can't deal with reality

Maybe I'm just avoiding the pain

Maybe it's wrong

But it's all I can do

To survive.

I'm fucking fat, worthless, ugly as fuck, nobody wants me, what the fuck is love, who needs it.