exestential

i have an english speech due tomorrow morning, it's meant to be 4 and a half minutes long.
i stayed up last night till 3am writing it, and it think it's not tooooo bad
could be worse.
and i went for my first (of many to come) visits to Sarah
she was so lovely and easy to talk to
i didn't reallllyyy tell the truth
well i did to some extent
i made evrything sound less bad than it actually is.

expression

it's as impractical as it is beautiful

this moment, you and i, it could be so simple, yet we complicate.
it's alright; it's worth it in the end.
there are some pieces of this puzzle that I just can't seem to fit
cut them down to size and figure this out
it draws closer every day

i don;t fit but i pretend. they see straught through me, straight through this.
she says to me "you need to get help"
but maybe i don;t want to change.

i head home along these deserted streets
solitude is comforting in the silence and the calm
glance to my side and you;re walking beside me, in my head i feel like this will be okay

we don;t know where to go from here. where are you going?
you walk away and
the last thing
that i see is your
bright blue
eyes

meanwhile i walk on, my mind creates a place where i can be safe with you
a place which i;d rather be
the silence, the quiet is my friend
i know you're in my head, you're all inside my head and that;s all i have left

we are so close yet so far
who am i to judge
so close, so far, and who are you to judge?

where is your god now.

pull my head out of this ocean inside me
just so i can breathe
with my one last gasping breath
i might apologise for all that which i cannot change
drowning in the silence and the whispers of your voice
that linger just out of reach
they say forgive, forget, move on
but maybe i don;t want to change.

hold my hand, we'll be okay.
hopelessly wandering through the shadows of a dream that i can;'t quite define
i know that i am lost and there is no way out
hold my hand and let's explore my private hell'
keep myself locked minside this prison cell
ignite, tonight, light the fire and let it burn
we both know that i will never get out

you're on your knees begging please, god, please
pray all you want but who's gonna save us?
both of us know that i'm not getting out alive
you live in denial of that which you despise
even when it's standing right next to you
you know, i know, we know this can;t be right, but we'll fight on, this is not our time

i don;t belong here any more than you, and all you yearn for is an escape from this mess
but this, this is a lifetime
so where is your god now?
after hoping and praying and crying and begging
tell me, where is your god now?

i find something in the shape and sound of your name on my lips
thats comforts me,
keeps me from wandering too far from you

something keeps me from taking the freedom that i know i could so easily have
when i let my mind wander it stumbles across you
i find that in you which i wish to be
but i;m trapped in this dream
there's no getting out of here alive

i keep searching and all i ever find are landmarks to guide the way
don;t knwo where it is that i;m going but i guess i'll find out one day

do you believe in heaven?
where is your god now?

waste your time praying but we both know there's no getting out of here alive
there is no saving the forgotten and the damned.

the tear stained pillowcase, the darkness in the light, the memories that haunt me, this fire burns inside
now the fire is gone and my grace is gone and i am not what i used to be.
my head is reeling, what is this feeling? my head floats towards the ceiling and i only hope i'm heading somewhere better than this

i wander through this darkness
i swear i'd drown in all that light
and no matter how many breathes i took, i still couldn;t breathe

that she wanted to save everything;
but she couldn't even save herself.

i want the pain of payment.

the unravelling of moments, the unstitching of a thread, the lingering kiss

it's been a good day

went for a walk for an hour
i feel better
cleaner

Vegan

I don't miss meat. I no longer have gastrointestinal issues now that I do not consume animal products. I do not miss feeling bloated from red meat. My conscience is clear. I have not been sick once since becoming vegan, and I feel like I have complete control over everything that goes into my body. I love being vegan.

solitude

and i realised that
none of this matters
maybe it's time

breaking promises
does it matter

you want to know how im feeling?

you can't bring her here

don't you get it

i can comfortably keep her in the back ofmmy mind as just another figment of my imagination

do not bring her to life

escapism

"There’s nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don’t live up until their death. They don’t honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries and they can’t hear it. Most people’s deaths are a sham. There’s nothing left to die."

So, you know what? When I die, FUCK going to heaven with all the goodie goodies and law abiding citizens dressed in white and with rosary beeads and bibles. I want to go to hell. At least maybe there I might get to express myself, be who the fuck i want to be, not who i'm MEANT to be! I DESERVE hell. I belong there.

ever since this began, i was blessed with a curse.

i take back every word i've ever said to anyone, any hurt i've caused, and i'm sorry

brb

You killed what was left of the good in me

Im tired so let me be broken
Look down at the mess that's in front of me
No other words may be spoken
And I've got nobody else to blame though I tried
...Kept all of my past mistakes down inside
I'll live with regret for my whole life

cunt

People are going to disappoint you. I get that, I kinda expect that. But, what if you wake up one day and realise you are the disappointment?...

i am ugly inside & out
how very unfortunate

b, i miss you
ch, you confuse me
j, you're a cunt
that is all

disillusioned.

don't go making promises that you can't/won't/don't keep

i wantg to find something meaningful to put here so that when i die you can read this and find something you can understand, something you can relate to

it's not as easy as it sounds

i havent taken my tablets in weeks, i havent had sheets on my bed in months, i havent gone for a walk or played with the dog or
lived.

i dont even ENJOY my horse anymore

i cried today
i burst into tears 3 times in study
for nothing
just thinking about why it is that i was sad
and it overwhelmed me

life hurts me

i dont want to live anymore

please please please
i dont know who i am begging to
i doint even know what it is im begging for

lucid

i just don't knoiw how to feel who i am what i want who i want who i love who i hate who i could be who i want to be who i don't want to be who i want to look like what i want to feel like what i want to do with my life where i want to go who i'm gonna be with.

i want to kill myself.




babe i know you'll regret it forever if we don't meet at least once more before i go... so i'm trying to wait for you. even though all i have done for this entire year is wait for you.

i have changed.

something inside me has... gone over the edge? snapped? broken.

my world has come crashing down

i dont want to eat

help
me

fader

i'm drowning in the light
but my darkness walks beside me
ever faithful

crash

i like the crash and burn

the comedown

weed & bulimia go hand in hand

i hate myself

pleaase tell me none of this is real

let me overdose on your magic and laugh before i can laugh no more

sing me to sleep

exclusion

i need a heartbeat
can you please bring me back to life

lost in darkness
alive in the light

tenebrous

would you kill to save a life?

despair, betrayal, grief, shock, fear, loss, alienation, loneliness, detachment, not belonging, rebellion, yearning, envy, jealousy, separation, isolation, exploitation, disaffection, indifference, remoteness, withdrawal, discord, estrangement, severance, alone, wandering, searching.

this. is. my. life.

vocalisation

one month until i'm 17.
i don;t want to grow up...

i love to be stoned
to be amazed again'
to have th capacity to care
downside: munchies
fuck

i deserve nothing more than a slow & very painful death

and i know it.

i am a nobody and no one cares about me. i have no importance in the world and i'm just a fat ugly girl with no aspirations, no hope, no skill, no talent.

i have opportunity; it's true. but i have no desire to chase any 'dreams'.

i am worthless, nothing.

getting high, going to school, coming home, getting high, homework, bed.

my life (L)

i do what i want?!

when im stoned, i can feel the fat. it's separate to me... not a part of who i  am.

i could shed it and i know that i would feel so much better, lighter, cleaner

more efficient,

me

bones and skin and organs and blood and what more does a girl need?

bones are beautiful

Everything in life is fucked.

boom, bitches.

ambivalence

Do you feel
It beneath your skin
As you swallow
Sinking deeper in

Must be clean, must be cleaner.
Vomit until you see blood.
Squeaky clean.

Flush, your secrets go whirling down the drain
Never free from what was within

The exestential does not concern me;
I simply wish to be free.

ephemeral

my god damn mother fucking nose ring fell out and i couldn't get the bastard back in
finally did but the bitch hurt
i considered giving up but though
fuck that. i spent 55 dollars on that tiny little hole, and i'll be fucked if i let that money go to waste THAT easily
i got a new phone today
$99
its sweet

so much homework
fuck.

trust me

everything's cool as long as i'm getting thinner.

fuck it

I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step.


Cause, you know the compass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.☮

hate

the haunting images of one once loved and lost, the bitterness of regret and the burn of missing you; my minds never ceases to remind me how much you meant to me and my heart will beat always for you.
i would do anything to be with you again; just to spend time with you how we used to be - no hurt, pain, regret, blame; just love, happiness, safety. a hug. laying in bed snuggling. a kiss on the forehead. having sex and breaking your bed and laughing about it. carrying me down the stairs. watching tv downstairs. walks with our Chloe baby and having to take turns carrying her cause she was sad. looking into your eyes and saying forever is a promise and i swear to you I meant every word. whispering i love you.

and sometimes i don't know if this is my way of punishing myself. i open the wounds, tear away at the freshly healing skin, rip them open, let them bleed. eevery time they look like healing over i go crazy and open them all up again and it's you bleeding out of me, it's you i can;t let go of. i won;t allow these wounds to heal. why?

i should be writing a fucking essay right now, but my motivation is zeroooo and my care is zeroooo because all I want is you. oh my god why can;t you just be here. I tried to call you and you didn't answer and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for eveything I ever did, I know I did so much wrong and I'm sorry, I am, i was young and i didn;t know, i know now, and im sorry. please find it in your heart to forgive me. because i LOVE you and this year has shown me that, i KNOW i do, i fucking HATE it somedays but i know i will never escape this feeling and i will never escape from you.

if i kill myself, baby don;t blame yourself. you were amazin g and i love you.

i'm sorry

dichotomy

They say, "Come with your arms raised high!"
Well, they're never gonna get me,
Like a bullet through a flock of doves...

Will you close your eyes and believe what they say;

Or will you shock them all, just turn away?

Not today.

 
I'll tell you I'm wearing a bulletproof vest
And I know you'll be aiming right for my chest
 
The collision of your kiss that has made this so damn hard.
 
I lost my fear of falling; I will be with you sooner than you could ever imagine.

est. 1993

The Devil comes and takes my hand

Through a dark abyss he commands
Though i scream and yell
he doesn't let me escape from hell
day by day, week by week
he comes and tortures all the meek
people like me, the tortured souls
trying to find somewhere safe to go
he pulls us in with promises of life
but all he's given us was utter strife
and though some people have escaped
I think for me it's a little too late

this has been my first sober day in ages
i've been getting high before school, after school.
it;s the only way i can get to sleep
 
help me

disappear

breathe, charm them with your smile
don't ever let them see your denial
don't let them get to you

i want to know why
we live and die in this world of lies

i'm addicted to the crash & burn

we're already dead, too late, too late

do you want me to be gone
cause if you don't want me any more
i'll disappear...

demotic

I love this guy's tattoo.

This image makes me have a braingasm.

One day, I will be pretty. I will be thin. I will be beautiful, desirable, hot

One day

disorder

burn, burn, burn

if I had one wish, love would never come to an end; it would only begin.

I want to be alone;

but not feel alone.

nobody wants me

no one really cares

no one loves me

no one ever will

i miss you...

deception

our souls caught on fire...
you tell me you want me too
but where were you
when it was all crashing down around me
where are you now
i'm drowning in the ashes
and all i want is the one thing that hurt me the most
why is that?


and you tell me "i've changed"
but baby, what did you expect?
how else does one deal with their life falling apart
but to adapt to the new habitat, new circumstances, new lifestyle, new person
let the past fade into black
or at least try
obviously i didn't try hard enough
because my past, it fucking haunts me
your voice is in my head
your eyes look back at me in the mirror
i hear your voice in my head, telling me what to do
and today? today i SAW you
my dreams projected into my reality
a hologram, it was you
everything i wanted, yet i knew
it was empty
full of empty promises and lies
i knew this
and yet all i wanted
'was you.


and i cant even begin to explain how much
how much it hurt me
hurt?
pain?
i dont know
i tried
to kill myself
i couldnt live
without you,


but here i am
i wish i'd tried a little harder to finish the job
so i wouldn be here
feeling this
without you
alone


i tell you
the things i KNOW i should keep to myself
but who makes the rules?
it's up to me to decide
and who are you
to say otherwise.


i tell you that
i love you
that i miss you
you use this to your advantage.


and for that, you know, i fucking hate you, i know i could never hate you but fuck i wish i could.

it eats me alive


you are killing me here! don;t you see?


are you leading me on? is this a game to you?
i don;t get it.


get fucked up and try your hardest not to think.
the easy way? try the only way
how else do you expect me to survive this


i do not intend to let you go

baby

damaged goods

"Scar tissue has no character. It’s not like skin. It doesn’t show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It’s like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what’s beneath. That’s why we grow it; we have something to hide."


mind vs brain
 
i don;t want to think
 
 
i want to bleed
for you
for us
what else can i do
 

That you only meant well? Well of course you did….

That its all for the best? Well of course it is…

That its just what WE need? Well YOU decided this…

 

 

I'm not saying it would be easy.

Im saying it would be worth it.

I am so fucking unloveable.

"Damaged Goods".

Fuck that and FUCK YOU for ruining me so I have no chance to be happy without you.

Some days I wish I never met you

but then who would I be now?

it's addictive and destructive, corrosive, obsessive, it's you and it';s me and it's what we used to be.



escapism

i miss:
you voice, hands, eyes, laugh, arms, chest, back, nipples, fingers, dick, hair, laugh, kiss, tongue, teeth, oh your teeth, your lips, your face, your skin, you.
oh my god

"god my fingers burn, now when i think of touching your hair, you have changed so much that i dont know if i can call you and tell you i care"

a secret:
i wish i could get the fuck over you


my last kiss:
i wish i could have a photograph of that moment

"don't hold your breath for too long, this moment's fading out now"

i want:
be thin
be beautiful
to be happy one day
to be loved
to love you
to kiss you
hold your hand
hug you
have sex with you
lay next to you
be good enough for you
stop feeling like i have to escape
to be okay.

i need:
you,

please...

killme

I'm high. I'm fat. I need to lose weight.
Literally fucking hate myself.

Waiting is easy.

You know what's hard?

Realizing that the one you are

Waiting for isn't coming back.

I don;t know why I'm still waiting.

When I die I'll go to heaven

Because

I've already been to hell.

I know you better than I know myself.

Who could possibly love you the way that I do?

I am so alone. I think back on what we had, who we were when we were together. And the tears gather in the corner of my eyes. As they spill over the edges, I allow myself to feel again. I take down that wall that STOPS me from feeling, from, hurting over you. And I remember. I feel how it is, was, to love. To love you. And I still do love you. I feel as if I always will. Then  I put up my walls again, brick by brick I build them up, and I am safe. But I am only going to live this life once. Should we not be happy? I know you aren't happy where you are, what you're doing, who you're with.  And I know for a fucking fact that I amnot happy. I get high. I try to think of anything but you. But you are in my dreams, my waking hours, when I close my eyes it's you, I see you everywhere around me, but you're never there. And the tears come...

How do I have enough tears left to cry? When I tell you the truth do you laugh or do you cry? I never know. I'm so unsure... drowning in uncertainty. My heart weighs a million tonnes and it makes me sick. It makes me so sick to know that we are both so alone in this world and what am I without you?

I don't hate you because you left. I hate you, because you pretended you wouldn't.

I am going to die alone.

You don;t know my name, you don't know my story, you can;t judge me, you don;t know me.

You are the boy that sets this girl on fire....

Set it off and let it burn!

And it's you.

It has always been you!

I'M TRYING SO HARD!

I ahve to try, to try, to pretend, fake, false, lies, lie to myself, to everyone.

To you.

Because if I don't, they will know, you will know, and I will have to face it...

I'm not ready for that

Maybe I can't deal with reality

Maybe I'm just avoiding the pain

Maybe it's wrong

But it's all I can do

To survive.

I'm fucking fat, worthless, ugly as fuck, nobody wants me, what the fuck is love, who needs it.

ohmy

I hope one day, someone comes into your life the same way you came into mine. Takes you through the same amazing highs filled with your kind words and friendliness, to what I feel now this crushing low filled with lies and smiles. Just so you can feel what it’s like to put yourself out there, offer your love to someone only to have them reduce you to a hateful mess. Fuck you.



so 11:11 just passed. and it made me realize, I really don’t have a fucking clue what i want anymore.




 
rehab is for quitters


Got so fucking blazed on friday arvo, went to the cinema, watched The Town, fucking off tap, came home, slept for 12 fucking hours. Best night I've had, ever.
Got my nose peirced Saturday. Got a new tongue bar and a gem ball for it.
Had a cone this arvo, when I got home. Good times.
I love living how the fuck I want to.

There is a hell,

Believe me, I've seen it.