I realised: I EXISTED before I knew him. I used to be someone before he came along and met me. If I could survive back then, surely I could find a place in my head that I could survive to now he was well and truly gone.
I changed everything: the way I thought, the way I acted, the way I talked, the way I related to people. I became friendlier, chilleder, lonelier, quieter maybe, more low-key. I went to school and learnt, I went home and went out at night to chase away the darkness.
Sometimes, the balance is just right, and it feels like I might one day recover completely. But other times, the balance between who I am and who I have to be to survive tips a bit too far one direction and things get pretty scary. I don't know survival strategies for a person out of this version of myself.
But this is all a dream.
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