damaged goods

"Scar tissue has no character. It’s not like skin. It doesn’t show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It’s like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what’s beneath. That’s why we grow it; we have something to hide."


mind vs brain
 
i don;t want to think
 
 
i want to bleed
for you
for us
what else can i do
 

That you only meant well? Well of course you did….

That its all for the best? Well of course it is…

That its just what WE need? Well YOU decided this…

 

 

I'm not saying it would be easy.

Im saying it would be worth it.

I am so fucking unloveable.

"Damaged Goods".

Fuck that and FUCK YOU for ruining me so I have no chance to be happy without you.

Some days I wish I never met you

but then who would I be now?

it's addictive and destructive, corrosive, obsessive, it's you and it';s me and it's what we used to be.



escapism

i miss:
you voice, hands, eyes, laugh, arms, chest, back, nipples, fingers, dick, hair, laugh, kiss, tongue, teeth, oh your teeth, your lips, your face, your skin, you.
oh my god

"god my fingers burn, now when i think of touching your hair, you have changed so much that i dont know if i can call you and tell you i care"

a secret:
i wish i could get the fuck over you


my last kiss:
i wish i could have a photograph of that moment

"don't hold your breath for too long, this moment's fading out now"

i want:
be thin
be beautiful
to be happy one day
to be loved
to love you
to kiss you
hold your hand
hug you
have sex with you
lay next to you
be good enough for you
stop feeling like i have to escape
to be okay.

i need:
you,

please...

killme

I'm high. I'm fat. I need to lose weight.
Literally fucking hate myself.

Waiting is easy.

You know what's hard?

Realizing that the one you are

Waiting for isn't coming back.

I don;t know why I'm still waiting.

When I die I'll go to heaven

Because

I've already been to hell.

I know you better than I know myself.

Who could possibly love you the way that I do?

I am so alone. I think back on what we had, who we were when we were together. And the tears gather in the corner of my eyes. As they spill over the edges, I allow myself to feel again. I take down that wall that STOPS me from feeling, from, hurting over you. And I remember. I feel how it is, was, to love. To love you. And I still do love you. I feel as if I always will. Then  I put up my walls again, brick by brick I build them up, and I am safe. But I am only going to live this life once. Should we not be happy? I know you aren't happy where you are, what you're doing, who you're with.  And I know for a fucking fact that I amnot happy. I get high. I try to think of anything but you. But you are in my dreams, my waking hours, when I close my eyes it's you, I see you everywhere around me, but you're never there. And the tears come...

How do I have enough tears left to cry? When I tell you the truth do you laugh or do you cry? I never know. I'm so unsure... drowning in uncertainty. My heart weighs a million tonnes and it makes me sick. It makes me so sick to know that we are both so alone in this world and what am I without you?

I don't hate you because you left. I hate you, because you pretended you wouldn't.

I am going to die alone.

You don;t know my name, you don't know my story, you can;t judge me, you don;t know me.

You are the boy that sets this girl on fire....

Set it off and let it burn!

And it's you.

It has always been you!

I'M TRYING SO HARD!

I ahve to try, to try, to pretend, fake, false, lies, lie to myself, to everyone.

To you.

Because if I don't, they will know, you will know, and I will have to face it...

I'm not ready for that

Maybe I can't deal with reality

Maybe I'm just avoiding the pain

Maybe it's wrong

But it's all I can do

To survive.

I'm fucking fat, worthless, ugly as fuck, nobody wants me, what the fuck is love, who needs it.

ohmy

I hope one day, someone comes into your life the same way you came into mine. Takes you through the same amazing highs filled with your kind words and friendliness, to what I feel now this crushing low filled with lies and smiles. Just so you can feel what it’s like to put yourself out there, offer your love to someone only to have them reduce you to a hateful mess. Fuck you.



so 11:11 just passed. and it made me realize, I really don’t have a fucking clue what i want anymore.




 
rehab is for quitters


Got so fucking blazed on friday arvo, went to the cinema, watched The Town, fucking off tap, came home, slept for 12 fucking hours. Best night I've had, ever.
Got my nose peirced Saturday. Got a new tongue bar and a gem ball for it.
Had a cone this arvo, when I got home. Good times.
I love living how the fuck I want to.

There is a hell,

Believe me, I've seen it.

explain this.

The most resoundingly silent form of suicide.

An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.

If being thin were easy, everyone would do it.

Eat for the body you want, not the body you're in.

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

I have not cut for quite some time. Weeks. Tonight, I want to cut. I want to. I need to. Help me.

Eloquence.

http://5z8.info/girlsgonewildpart1.wmv_m6j2v_warez

http://5z8.info/stoleniphones_s9a6z_manhunter

Who doesn't want to look like that. Who. Everyone wants to be perfect.

Let's make this now or never.

Set it off and let it burn.

My mother keeps accusing me of having an eating disorder.

She tells me I'm obsessed.

Little does she know.

I feel so fucking helpless.

http://5z8.info/dicksonparade_f7o9l_dont-just-drizzle

Who am I?

Why, why why why why why.

I can't even fucking CUT anymore.

I want to, so badly.

Each time it;s deeper, longer, bleeeeed.

But if I did, he would see them, he would ask why, he would know, he wouldn't want me.

I am so fucking disgusting that he wouldn't even fuck me.

I am filth.



Bitterness.

I know what it tastes like. Rejection. Acidic. Harsh. Hostility. Resent. Cynical. Fierce, cruel, merciless, ruthless, relentless, estranged, alienated, alone. Bitterness. Taste. I don't want to tatse. I only want to be beautiful Is that so much to ask?

::I lay with truth on the shores of redemption, too weak to stand, only to be washed away with the next wave, back into oceans of self doubt and disease::

::These eyes tell a story of a novel you wish you could have written; maybe it would have been a bestseller. You see the emotion, the pain, imagine being able to transcribe that. But you can't. This is a pain too deep to fathom, too much for you understand let alone convey through mere words::

::Good eye, sniper. I'll shoot, you run::

If the world came to an end, would you feel like you have done the best you could? Does it even matter? It doesn;t fucking matter. Do what the fuck you want. People say 'do your best'... why the fuck should you. Just do what you want, it's your life; do what makes you happy.

Being thin would make me happy.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be thin. And I don;t give a fuck if people say it's wrong, it will make me happy. Why should I strive my whole life to make them happy? I'm going to die one day so I have the right to do whatever I fucking want until then.

What is pain? I don;t know pain, I don;t care about pain. It doesn';t matter anymore.

If you died tonight in your sleep, if it was the end, no God, no heaven, none of that bullshit. Just nothing. The end, forever. How would you rate your life? Would you think that you lived your entire life trying to fucking pelase people who will never be pleased no matter what the fuck you do? Nothing will be good enough.

So why shouldn;t you just do what YOU want.

Why. Give me a reason.

Come and find me in the dark, turn the lights on, and I'll see you and you'll see me. We don't have to hide anymore.

I've lost 5 kilos.

:)

Being vegan is amazing. My body feels cleaner and it's the fucking perfect excuse to not eat...

for example;

a) going out for a meal - "there's nothing on the menu that is vegan. don't worry, i'll eat when I get home"

b) at a friend's house - "I'll find myself something, I'm on a special diet"

c) family meals - "I'll just have the vegetables"

Pretty much all i eat now is fruits and vegetables.

Occasionally tofu, small amounts.

I take a vitamin tablet and an iron tablet every day to try to keep my body from being hungry.

It really isn;t difficult.

The fat isn't as.. poisonous anymore. It is coming off without as much of a fight. only 15 kilos to go... I'll make it, easy. I've got this.

I hate myself every time I look in the mirror. My legs are fucking fat, wobbly, digusting. My ass is awful. My hips. Arms. Face. Stomach, eugh. My whole body is awful. Awful.

I will be clean, lines, bones, outlines, one day.

This is my reality.

please free me from this nightmare