Bitterness.

I know what it tastes like. Rejection. Acidic. Harsh. Hostility. Resent. Cynical. Fierce, cruel, merciless, ruthless, relentless, estranged, alienated, alone. Bitterness. Taste. I don't want to tatse. I only want to be beautiful Is that so much to ask?

::I lay with truth on the shores of redemption, too weak to stand, only to be washed away with the next wave, back into oceans of self doubt and disease::

::These eyes tell a story of a novel you wish you could have written; maybe it would have been a bestseller. You see the emotion, the pain, imagine being able to transcribe that. But you can't. This is a pain too deep to fathom, too much for you understand let alone convey through mere words::

::Good eye, sniper. I'll shoot, you run::

If the world came to an end, would you feel like you have done the best you could? Does it even matter? It doesn;t fucking matter. Do what the fuck you want. People say 'do your best'... why the fuck should you. Just do what you want, it's your life; do what makes you happy.

Being thin would make me happy.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be thin. And I don;t give a fuck if people say it's wrong, it will make me happy. Why should I strive my whole life to make them happy? I'm going to die one day so I have the right to do whatever I fucking want until then.

What is pain? I don;t know pain, I don;t care about pain. It doesn';t matter anymore.

If you died tonight in your sleep, if it was the end, no God, no heaven, none of that bullshit. Just nothing. The end, forever. How would you rate your life? Would you think that you lived your entire life trying to fucking pelase people who will never be pleased no matter what the fuck you do? Nothing will be good enough.

So why shouldn;t you just do what YOU want.

Why. Give me a reason.

Come and find me in the dark, turn the lights on, and I'll see you and you'll see me. We don't have to hide anymore.

I've lost 5 kilos.

:)

Being vegan is amazing. My body feels cleaner and it's the fucking perfect excuse to not eat...

for example;

a) going out for a meal - "there's nothing on the menu that is vegan. don't worry, i'll eat when I get home"

b) at a friend's house - "I'll find myself something, I'm on a special diet"

c) family meals - "I'll just have the vegetables"

Pretty much all i eat now is fruits and vegetables.

Occasionally tofu, small amounts.

I take a vitamin tablet and an iron tablet every day to try to keep my body from being hungry.

It really isn;t difficult.

The fat isn't as.. poisonous anymore. It is coming off without as much of a fight. only 15 kilos to go... I'll make it, easy. I've got this.

I hate myself every time I look in the mirror. My legs are fucking fat, wobbly, digusting. My ass is awful. My hips. Arms. Face. Stomach, eugh. My whole body is awful. Awful.

I will be clean, lines, bones, outlines, one day.

This is my reality.

please free me from this nightmare