Fuck

I wish i could just fade away
just fade into nothing
no one would notice
they dont fucking care anyway
everyones got their own agendas
no one fucking cares
my body remains but my mind slips away
and every day im closer to something, i don't know what it is
will i kill myself? i don't think im brave enough strong enough tough enough
how do you give up
no
how do you keep going?
how do YOU keep going?
I can;'t do it
i cant
i want to be thin i want to die i want everything want want
food? i dont want food in me near me on me go away food i dont want food
im trapped
let me out please let me out please let me out

i feel like lately ive come to the edge of something
i cant step over it
cant go through it
there are ways around it either side but i dont like them
so im stuck
options?

help me.

My teen angst has a body count.

Just look at me now, I'm a fake.

How close is close enough?

Speak what we feel and not what we ought to say.

Soft voice, that whispers lies.


Who do I lay beside?

Soft voice, soft voice,

that whispers lies.

You pretend not to see our problems,
because they form inside you.
 
I had a fucking horrible weekend.
I wonder if death is easy...

Every day is a step closer to dead.
I can't fucking wait
I've tried running but I can't escape from my memories.
Night.

I don't care if it hurts



I want to have control


I want a perfect body


I want a perfect soul

Why can't I be everything you want me to be? Why can't I be who I want to be?
I just want to be pure; perfect. Bones are prettier than fat.
 
10cm cut along my right inner wrist.
Razor blade.
Bleed.
 
Love heart carved into my arm.
Bleed, blood, drip drip drip.
 
Bury me, bury me! I am finished with you!
 
Somebody kill me please! Somebody kill me, please! I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please, kill me! I want to die! Put a bullet in my head.
 
"I've been waiting


I've been waiting for this moment all my life

But it's not quite right



And this 'real'

It's impossible if possible

At who's blind word

So clear but so unheard"
 
Confusing thoughts and confusing people. If only they knew. If only.
Time to sleep.

BLEED

I love the feeling of cutting.
The razor blade slides across your skin, the blood comes, your heart beats faster. And then it's calm. That supreme calm that comes when you release the blood from your disgusting skin, when it drips down your leg or arm and ...
It's that calm feeling that I seek, the quiet desperation, the hit, the rush, the risk
The control.
I decide how deep to cut. I choose how much to bleed.
It's my choice, It's me.
I don't even know any more.
My life is... perfect?
What more could a girl want?
Yet I feel like this.
It just doesn't make sense.
Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat

Now or never ;)

I'm don't want to sleep because I don't want tomorrow to come!
Great minds against themselves conspire / and shun the cure they most desire.
I'm trying to find a way! To escape this mind, this body this life, fuuuuuuuuuck
Set it off and let it burn.
I made a satay tofu stir-fry for dinner, had a really small, and a glass of milk, then immeadiately showered and purged it all.
Help me get me out of this fat this skin I don;t want to be in I just want to be thin.
Night <3

?

No one WANTS me! No one NEEDS me! If i were to just disappear, who would come looking?
If I just disappeared, how long would they search for?
Would they think of me?
No, they wouldn't.
I'm just another one.
Just another!
I feel like
everything is just getting too much
I am going to
I don't know
I just don;t know anymore.
Help me?

fatfatfat

Haven't been on here in a while. Like a week exactly? Lol.
I've been purging a bit lately... chocolate chips and fairy bread yesterday... were disgusting coming back up.
Ate heaps of milo today, then purged it. Gross.
Last weekend, I got really drunk, cut my wrist about 10 times with a piece of broken glass, sigh.

Went for a 2 hours jog/walk today. Spent a 5 min warm up on the exercise bike before I left. It was FREEZING!
I've started cutting on a more regular basis, to relieve some stress, I suppose.
I feel realllllly fat lately, and I've put the weight back on. Back up to SIXTY FIVE FUCKING KILOS.
Fat fucking FUCK.
So, lots more crunches and running and skipping and shit for me. Oh the joy of exercise in winter.
I ate way to much for dinner/dessert. FUCK.
Help me, help me, help me, I've been trying, but obviously not enough.

I AM FAT